Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.