Just had my nails done!
You Might Also Like
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis