Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
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[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.