Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Who does Amazon think I am?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.