just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat