If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
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I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Last-minute gift idea!
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me