Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.