I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.