Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
pelicons
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back