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Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel