Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.