Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
You Might Also Like
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Stick it to the man
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.