It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
me adding lol on a serious message