[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
You Might Also Like
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?