Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Don’t snitch tag.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…