good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One