A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
i will not be silenced
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]