Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there