Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
What the hell is going on?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.