All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots