*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I need a headline like this
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.