Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again