I’m not alone. I have ants.
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
This fish is cracking me up
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!