some things should go without saying
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Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.