My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
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I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met