GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
#dalle2
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.