I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
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Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels