The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Ummm
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club