[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
God has left this place
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.