10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
(Electricians.)
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.