me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
This rocks
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream