How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
me irl
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.