“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
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[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.