[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.