#Caturday
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.