Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Monica just destroyed the internet
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined