Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Flowers bee like
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?