I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I am, perchance
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
me
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
is this a threat
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics