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Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it