AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”