If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.