“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.