Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]