As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
You Might Also Like
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.