We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.