When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel