Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal