Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
They’re on their honeymoon