Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.