I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
yea so i messed up lol
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
the three genders
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.